Case Of The Slippery Mattress

Last night I pushed the mattress back into place. Every day or two the kids fool around on our bed and push it out of place by about 3cm.

It didn't register as odd (until last night) that it's always exactly the same amount out of place. After the kids have been playing on it, the mattress hangs over the top edge of the box spring by about 3cm. Always about 3cm.

What this means is that when I go to pee in the middle of the night, my edge of the bed sags. Just a bit. Not much. But there's a noticeable lack of support. It probably wouldn't happen, but it feels like if I lie too close to the edge on my side, on a night when the mattress is hanging over too far, well, maybe I just might fall out of bed.

This has been going on for years. The kids play on the bed. The mattress moves. It's uncomfortable. If I get to bed before my wife, I push it back into place before I lie down. A couple times I've been ready to banish the kids from our bedroom, but the effort to police such an action is not worth it, considering that all I have to do is rest the back of my legs against the mattress and push ever so slightly. It's a half second fix.

Last night however I'd grown rather tired of this routine. So I asked my wife to stand up so I could fix the mattress.

She stood.

I fixed.

And as I lay down, my wife said, “What'd you do?”

“I fixed the mattress.”

“No you didn't.”

“Yes I did.”

“Well it's hanging over the edge.”

I ran my hand back and forth along the edge of the two mattresses.

“No it isn't.”

“Yes it is!” she said with a rather spirited tone to her voice. “It's two or three centimetres over the edge.”

“What are you talking about?” I return with as even a tone as I can manage. “The mattresses are even. I can feel it.”

“Well I can feel that they aren't even.” And with that my totally naked wife throws back the blanket, splays herself across my body, runs her hand back and forth, up and down to see that the mattress and box spring on my side are indeed flush. So what's the problem?

Well, as it turns out, when my side is even, her side is hanging over. When her side is even my side is hanging over.

It's not the kids at all.

Our mattress is bigger than the box spring.

For seven years my wife and I have been doing this “fix the mattress dance.” Never once telling the other what we've been doing.

For seven years we've both thought it was the kids goofing around on the bed.

For seven years, from the day we bought it, the mattress has been too big for the box spring.

For seven years, night after night we've been pushing this stupid thing back and forth.

Ah marriage. It was good for a laugh.