Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

This is number 14 in a weekly series I began on December 21^st/13 with a post called, “Married Forever?

Christian marriage is not lacking a supernatural element. As Paul highlights and John 17 expands, a Biblical marriage is to pattern itself after the union of the Trinity; a relationship between God the Father, God the Son and God the Holy Spirit who live in perpetual love and sacrifice. Jesus on the Cross, speaking words “not My own,” was an example of this loving and sacrificial relationship.

We are created in God's image. 

We were not created to live in our own glory. 

We were not created to worship ourselves. 

“Love the Lord you God with all your strength, heart, soul and mind, AND love your neighbour as yourself.”

It we fail to serve God by loving others, by serving others, we fail live out the nature with which we were created. Violating our nature leads to misery and the breakdown of relationships.

“Who ever wants to save his life must lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.” If you seek life as this world understands life, seeking self-protection above all else, you will find misery. If you seek Jesus and put Him first in your life, in your relationships, in your marriage you will have a full and abundant life.

More on this next Friday

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

This is number 13 in a weekly series I began on December 21^st/13 with a post called, “Married Forever?

The title of this post could be called, “Squandered Love.” It is not uncommon in marriage to see one or both partners disregard one of the main tenets of, or one of the main definitions of “love,”

Real love does not keep a record of wrongs.

I remember working with a woman who was livid because her husband didn't pray with her. Never mind that he wasn't even a Christian. In her mind, a husband is the spiritual leader of the home and a spiritual leader should pray with his wife for the family. As time passed, she was able to nag him until he did pray with her from time to time. She was happy for one week; until she realized that he didn't pray with her all the time. Real love for another person simply does not keep track of offence, whether the offence is intended or otherwise. There is no need to keep track because real love is simply doing good to another person; nothing more, nothing less.

In many marriages I hear things like, “Yes he left me a nice card that said nice things, but they're just words.” When I ask for further explanation, the person relates that at some point in the past, the “offender” had criticized or said unkind things. Therefore, in this person's mind, any good that is now done is discounted as being worthless.

What a tragedy!

We, all of us have good days and bad. Some days we're able to act in love, and other days we're self-obsessed. Some days we say mean things and mean them, but other times we say kind things and mean those as well. It is such a waste of opportunity, such a squandering of the potential to be loved to push it away, to reject it, to lose the chance to absorb love because of a desire to cling to the past. This type of thinking is usually tied to depressive thinking; the all or nothing thinking.

. If something went wrong this morning, the whole day is ruined.

. If I failed at this, I'm a failure.

. If she was angry at me for not taking out the garbage, she hates me.

And it's the same with God. God, our Creator clearly dislikes those thoughts and behaviours that are destructive to ourselves and others. He hates sin. Some people read our Creator's views on the sin in our lives and completely ignore the fact that “All good things and every perfect gift is from God.” They completely ignore the fact that “If God did not withhold even God the Son, Jesus, from dying to pay the penalty of our sins, there is not the slightest chance that He will withhold anything good from us.”

Don't squander the offerings of love in your life. Grab them. Hold them. Cherish them, and then freely give to others what you have freely received.

More on this next Friday.

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

This is number 12 in a weekly series I began on December 21^st/13 with a post called, “Married Forever?

Self-centredness will destroy your marriage! Does that surprise you? If it does you're in more trouble than you imagined. A self-centred spouse will always trigger resentment in the other spouse. What I mean is, the self-centred behaviours of one spouse will ultimately trigger self-centred behaviours in the other spouse. Self-centred is who we are – Unless we allow Jesus to change us.

The problem of course is that a self-centred character is blind to its own existence. What's more, our self-centred character is almost allergic to the same characteristic in others, especially one's partner. Our corrupt self-love triggers thoughts like, 'Why weren't you thinking about me? You should have been thinking about what I want. How could you not be thinking about me?' 

Only an obedient relationship with Jesus can create an other-centred focus that destroys self-pity.

The Holy Spirit Who displays a giving and serving character will bring about this type of maturity in you. Jesus' Spirit destroys pride and brings about a humility that exudes generosity and deals with the selfishness of others in a mature fashion. The Holy Spirit does not keep score. As seen by the reaction of the world to the mere word “submission,” it's easy to see that without the indwelling of the Spirit, submission is impossible.

If your only source of love is from other people, what happens when those people fail to love you? As the saying goes, “To what will you look to for help if not to that which is stronger than yourself?” The love that we need to give away in order to maintain and grow a healthy marriage must come from a source greater than ourselves.

Here is a reality of life, You will not, and cannot find happiness until you've placed your own happiness in submission to that of someone else. Not just for today but as part of a commitment, a life-long commitment to putting the well-being of at least one other person (hopefully that of your spouse) ahead of your own. 

Christian maturity does this, not in order to get in return, but simply to give. Freely we have received. Freely we are to give. This type of obedience to Jesus, because of what He has done for you, cannot fail to provide peace and contentment.

More on this next Friday.

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

This is number 11 in a weekly series I began on December 21^st/13 with a post called, “Married Forever?

I'd done a post yesterday referencing the human tendency to name as “love,” what is really nothing more than manipulation. That is, we are sometimes intentionally “good” to someone in the midst of a struggle, be it relational, or financial or addictions etc.. We call tell ourselves that these good behaviours on our part are motivated by love. The sticky part comes when, over the next few months or years, the person in need fails to change or improve. In that case many people become exasperated and pull the plug on what was termed love. The point I'm trying to make is that when we pull the plug, it wasn't love that was driving the “good” behaviours. It was an attempt to manipulated someone into change.

This pattern is seen no less often in marriage. We start off treating our spouses with kindness. We overlook their quirks – for awhile. In a few years however, we begin to think, “If I have to live with that behaviour for the rest of my life I'll go crazy.” And the quest to change another human being begins.

In a Biblical marriage that's not all bad. A Biblical marriage is a union of a man and a woman who have made a commitment before God to “love” each other until the death of one of them ends the union. In a Biblical marriage, this love entails submission to the other as well as a servant's heart. Just as there can be a subtle twist on love which is in reality manipulation, so too with serving one another. In fact, in a marriage there can be a double twist on serving. Here's what I mean.

The first twist is of course “serving” your spouse with the intent of motivating change. This is simply another case of manipulation. The second twist is more subtle. Most people know the parable of the Good Samaritan. A Jewish man is beaten and robbed. Two religious Jewish people see the man lying in the ditch and pass by on the other side of the road. Each individually ignores the man's plight. Then a “despised” Samaritan comes along and without hesitation he helps the injured Jewish man recover from his injuries. He pays for his medical care. He shows him true love. When discussing the parable, we usually talk about those who help or refuse to help and see if we can identify their lack of love in ourselves. Not often do we talk about what it's like for the Jewish man to be helped, regardless of whether it's by a Samaritan. Not often we we talk about our struggle with allowing someone to serve us.

In marriage it's one thing to serve your spouse. It's quite another to be served by your spouse. Secular people gnash their teeth in outrage at the very thought of submitting to and serving one another. That should not surprise. It's pride and corrupt self-love that keeps us from wanting to serve, even the one we claim to love. However it's also pride and corrupt self-love that bristles at the thought of being served by our spouse.

When we serve someone else, when we do good for someone else, it puts us in control. Our worldly (un loving) thinking senses that at some level, helping someone else puts that person in our debt. That kind of serving, like the pseudo love mentioned earlier in this post is also manipulation. People with this mindset keep score regarding who did what for whom. Men especially cringe at the thought of anyone doing for them and this includes their wives. This is pride saying, “I am not going to allow you to put me in your debt.”

The thing is, in a Biblical marriage, there is no such thing as debt. We serve Jesus by serving others – Period. Jesus gave His life for us so we give our life for Him. In a Biblical marriage we live out the Gospel in which there is no score keeping. Jesus freely loved us and we are to freely love one another.

In a Gospel marriage we aren't loved or served because we deserve it. Real love comes with no strings attached. Real love is gladly given. Real love is gladly received. It's a wonderful thing to allow yourself to be fully accepted, fully loved. In Biblical love we don't earn our love. And again, as men, as the husband, as the spiritual leader of the home, we take the lead in demonstrating servant leadership. We model for our spouse and children grace and mercy and love and kindness, patience and submission. We freely give love because real love is patient and kind. Real love doesn't envy or boast and it is not proud. It isn't rude or self-seeking. It isn't easily angered and it doesn't keep a record of wrongs. Real love doesn't delight in evil but takes joy in Truth. Real love always protects, always hopes, always trusts, always perseveres. Real love never fails.

Fridays Thoughts on Marriage

This is number 10 in a weekly series I began on December 21^st/13 with a post called, “Married Forever?

Because the command to Submit to one another carries such huge baggage for many people (sadly many Christians seem as confused as those who live upon the earth), I'm going to continue with that subject for just a bit.

I've said that instead of concentrating on the “behaviours of love,” we are far more successful when we focus on drawing closer to, and abiding in Jesus. I've also said that when couples focus on fixing a troubled marriage, they are not nearly as successful as when they focus on fixing their troubled relationship with Jesus. It is His Spirit that changes us which in turn changes our thoughts and behaviours. The former is little more than acting as though we're followers of Jesus. The latter provides genuine evidence of a changed character. Changing behaviours on their own ends in fatigue and failure. The indwelling Spirit of the Christ does the work for us, so to speak.

Having said that, in Ephesians 5:22,25, Paul instructs women to submit to their husbands and husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the Church “giving Himself up for her.” The latter requires a far greater degree of self-sacrifice or dying to self, although each partner is called to a life of self-sacrifice for the other. The Holy Spirit can work this change of focus in us. I have yet to see anyone do it on their own for emotionally / spiritually healthy reasons.

For those indwelt by God's Spirit, giving others “preferential treatment over ourselves,” comes quite naturally and easily, without losing one iota of worth or value. This is not thinking that others are always better human beings than ourselves; rather it's thinking about ourselves less often and in turn treating others with deference. When the Holy Spirit forms our character, we simply view the interests of others before we notice our own, just as Jesus, the Creator of the universe stepped down from His throne to fix what we had destroyed. Just as Jesus the Christ did not “please Himself,” but did what was best for us, to save us, to love us and to draw us into a relationship with Himself. He came to earth, not be served but to serve us and give His life for us; then He says, “Follow Me in your relationship with others.” He met our needs at the cost of His own life and that is how husbands and wives are to treat each other until the death of one or the other ends the relationship.

In a Biblical marriage, as the spiritual head of the home, the husband is to take the lead in demonstrating servant-leadership.

More on this next Friday

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

This is number 9 in a weekly series begun on December 21^st/13 with a post called, “Married Forever?

“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Ephesians 5:21

Ah submission the dirtiest word in secular relationships. That's okay. Let them fight for their own rights. Let them demand change in their partners while demanding that their spouses accept them as they are. How functional atheists live their lives has nothing to do with us. On the other hand, I hope I'm getting the point across that our behaviours don't determine our character. Rather, our character determines our behaviours. When the Holy Spirit indwells us, when we abide in Jesus, our character becomes like that of Jesus. Humility and submission were two strong, strong characteristics of Jesus.

The fact is the ability to submit, the power and strength to submit our will to another is a sign that the Holy Spirit resides within. Submission to one another is a sign that you are being guided by the will and the wishes of Creator God. Humility (which the world wrongly associates with humiliation) along with the absence of pride (which the world sees as some sort of affliction) and a lack of self-will (which the world associates with social and economic suicide), is what allows couples in a Biblical marriage to show love to one another. In fact, the behaviours of love are actually the duties of husbands and wives in a Biblical marriage. It is only through a Holy Spirit guided ability to serve your spouse that you will be able to meet and overcome the hurdles that so often trip up marriages run by what passes for human wisdom.

Characteristics of those guided by the Holy Spirit are well known among those indwelt by Him: Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control. These are the characteristics of Jesus and if you think about these for a moment, you will quickly see how each one is indispensable to a strong and stable marriage. We must allow ourselves to be transformed into the character of Jesus if we are to live out and model marriage as God intends for us. Anything less makes a mockery of stating that we are followers of Jesus.

Even though the circumstances of life change, the character of Jesus does not. That is what creates the ever present stability in a Biblical marriage. With these characteristics present in each partner, it's easy to see that these are not two needy people looking to someone else to solve their own insecurities or to give them value and worth. That's because they already possess these things because of their relationship with and the indwelling Spirit of Jesus. 

We function at our best on the indwelling strength and power of God's Spirit. 

We do not draw life from our partner. Unlike secular lives which produce songs claiming to “need you,” “I can't live without you,” etc., a follower of Jesus has learned that the worship of our Creator produces a human who is fully alive. That is what allows us to be the kind of people that our spouse deserves. To not draw our strength from God causes us to demand from our spouses something that is impossible for them to give.

More on this next Friday.

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

This is number 8 in a weekly series begun on December 21^st/13 with a post called, “Married Forever?”

So which is it? Is the purpose of marriage to promote the good of family and society? Or is it to enhance the well-being of self? It might surprise you to know that Jesus didn't set marriage up as a choice between one or the other. I know, that's how the world views Biblical marriage - oppression of self-fulfillment. However, like most other things that have to do with Jesus and His teaching, the world is wrong. In reality, God brought marriage into being with the intent of showing that mutual fulfilment could only come through mutual sacrifice for one another.

To set an example for us, Jesus gave up His rights and He died to self to bring us into a healed relationship with Himself and then He said, “Follow Me, be like Me, do in your relationships what I did in My relationships. Submitting to Jesus by submitting to one another in our marriages brings personal fulfilment. A marriage where two people engage in loving surrender to each other drives away fear of abandonment, ends loneliness, and grows us into Christ-likeness. And that is the point of life (Romans 8:29). That is the “good” that God works for in all things for believers; to make us more and more like Jesus. The more you live out the Gospel of Grace toward each other, the closer you become toward each other and to Jesus. That's the secret, or the mystery of which Paul speaks.

Biblical marriage will change your heart and soul.

I heard a comedian once, who said, “No matter how smart you think you are, you're not that smart.” That's true, but so is the Bible which explains, “No matter how good you think you are, you're not that good.” We need to be changed. Society and the world at large needs us to be changed. A Biblical marriage will bring about that inner change unlike anything else. That is because Biblical marriage teaches us what it means to love.

Through expressing the enormous love that Jesus washes over us, we are truly transformed. However, this awareness of who we really are must be brought forth in an atmosphere of love. Without a loving environment, we simply will not hear the truth. In the absence of the certainty of love, men hear criticism as rejection and women hear it as a lack of love. With the certainty of love we not only hear the truth about our sin with which our partner must live, we long to repent of our sin and be changed. God's mercy and grace, freely received can then be freely given.

More on this next Friday

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

This is the 7th in a series that began December 21^st/13 with a post called, “Married Forever?”

Last week I ended with the statement, “I maintain that without knowing the secret of marriage that Paul describes for us in the New Testament, no marriage can reach the level of fulfillment for the couple, and glorification of Jesus that it was intended to attain.”

The Secret of Marriage? I read through the whole Bible once a year, every year. It's taken me nearly two decades to get what Paul is talking about. Not because it's such a difficult concept, but because I simply could not sink below the surface of what he was saying. Its kind of like -

Paul says clearly, “I'm talking about Christ and the Church.”

I blink my eyes and say “Huh?”

“I'm talking about Christ and the Church (the body of believers). Husbands, love your wives just as Jesus loves the Church and gave Himself up for her.”

“Oh, you're talking about Christ and the Church! . . . Huh?”

Now I get it. Then I didn't. Mostly probably because I didn't want to hear what his words meant. I've since seen that many Christian husbands don't want to get it. Paul is saying that the secret to our role in marriage is to do for our wives what Jesus did to unite all of us with Himself. He gave Himself up for us. Jesus IS the greatest Being to ever exist. He is the Creator and sustainer of life and the universe itself. And then He gave up His glory, became a human-being, died on a Roman cross and paid the penalty for our sins.

He loved us.

He served us.

He gave up His rights as Creator God so that our needs might be met.

That kind of sacrifice made possible an intimate, healed and forgiven relationship with Him and He says to us husbands, 'THAT is how to do marriage.' Jesus and the Church is what God had in mind when He ordained way back in Genesis that, “A man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife and the two shall become one.”

That's the secret that Paul is talking about. That is what keeps Biblical marriage from being oppressive as the world imagines it to be. In Biblical marriage the husband, under Christ, is the Spiritual Leader of the home. As such, the husband gives himself up and models for the family:

. Submission

. Love

. Mercy

. Kindness

. Patience

. Self-control

. Faithfulness

. Forgiveness

. Gentleness and

. Servant-leadership

Because God had this picture of salvation in mind when He instituted marriage between man and woman, the marriage can only be successful when each partner loves the other in a self-giving love.

Jesus said, “I did not come to be served but serve and to give My life . . .”

I often tell people (Christians) whose marriage is struggling, “If you try to fix this marriage, you will fail. If instead, you focus solely on repairing your relationship with Jesus (not your partner's relationship but your relationship), loving Him and obeying Him, the restoration of your marriage will follow as naturally as dawn follows the dark.”

Do for your spouse, what Jesus did for you and your marriage cannot fail.

More on this next Friday.

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

The 5th in a series -

Have you ever wondered what is the impact on marriage when the reality of God is denied? Think about it! If we used to turn to God for our source of meaning and purpose, love and redemption; those things that humans need in order to be emotionally and spiritually healthy, what do we do when the only true source of those things is ignored? Naturally we turn to another human to supply our deepest needs.

Have you ever wondered what happens to marriages when that kind of pressure is placed on one or both marriage partners? Yep. They disintegrate under the impossible load. Those who contend that traditional (Biblical) marriage is suffocating, in turn reject the only possible way to allow freedom in marriage (each person living for God) and place a truly oppressive expectation on the marriage partners. And then, after the marriage ends, they say, “Life long, monogamous, committed marriage is impossible to create.”

The fact is, society needs people who are able to sustain long-term, monogamous committed marriage. Without our ability to commit to the good of at least one other human being, we will see humanity fragment into billions of pieces. Both the children that inevitably come from sexual unions and the adults around the world desperately need this ability on the part of humans.

Sadly there is only one way to achieve these kind of relationships and those who have rejected God and His guidelines are simply not able to get the job done. I'm not talking about the longevity of marriage. The celebration of the 50^th anniversary make strike a cord within, but longevity is no guarantee of quality. As was heard by a son from his dad after burying a wife of 53 years, “I never loved that woman.” For various reasons, lots of people just stick it out. That's not the kind of marriage I'm advocating.

Ironically, people long to be married; especially those who lack the skills to maintain a quality relationship. And ironically it is those who downplay the effects of sin and who ignore the divine origin of marriage who think they'll do the best at having a good marriage. And when the inevitable crash comes, it is not the people within the marriage who are blamed but the institution of marriage itself.

I maintain that without knowing the secret of marriage, that Paul describes for us in the New Testament, no marriage can reach the level of personal satisfaction and glorification of Jesus that it was intended to attain.

More on this next Friday

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

The 4th in a series:

“If you're kind to me, I'll be kind to you.” I heard that today, from a woman talking to her husband. Makes sense – right? Why would anyone be kind to someone who is not kind back? Well, maybe because that is the type of love that Jesus demonstrated for us and then He said, “Follow Me.” Be like Me. Do in your relationships what I did in My relationships.

Something atheists have shown me is that a radical change has taken place in our culture. Atheists tell us that monogamy isn't natural. Any marriage that is based upon monogamy is forcing an unnatural relationship upon us. That's what many of them say. Guess what? They're right. 

Faithful, committed monogamy isn't natural.

We are naturally takers and schemers and adulterers and liars and self-obsessed and self-centred, willing to sacrifice those we claim to love in order to satisfy our lusts. That's why thinking that you've found “the right one,” or that you've found your “soul mate,” is most often, at best, wishful thinking. The chances of really knowing who you've married, at the time of your marriage, is slim to none.

Modern thinking and every online dating site in existence has led us to believe that if we look hard enough, we can actually find “the right person.” The fact is we almost never marry the right person. Why? Because marriage itself changes people. The person who you marry will not be the person who you are married to a few months or years down the road. As well, we often misread the person in front of us. Or perhaps more correctly, we see what we want to see. That is why a person who seems really stable during dating becomes deadly boring later in life. The person who is outgoing and friendly turns out to be down right flirtatious. The person who is carefree and fun loving turns out to be reckless and undependable. We come to despise the things we once thought we admired and loved. And yet, we promised God that we would love this person – until the death of one of us ends the relationship.

That is what makes a Biblical marriage between two committed followers of Jesus so radical and counter cultural and light-years better than any possible secular marriage. Biblical marriage is a commitment to love the person with whom you are living – Period! It's really not about the relationship with your spouse, but your relationship with God. I will make a profound statement here, with absolute confidence. 

When two married people put their relationship with Jesus first (I'll explain in later posts what that means), their marriage will not and indeed cannot fail to become a profound, wonderful, life enhancing journey.

But what a dilemma! We simply cannot know ahead of time how our spouse will change. That's why traditional marriage vows don't say, “I love you,” but, “I WILL love you, through better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.”

Now, there are some things that we must avoid at all cost when choosing a mate. A Christian should never ever marry an atheist or someone of another faith. Actually, unless you are a Christian in name only, you would never compromise your relationship with Jesus by being connected to someone who thinks your most important relationship is a farce. As well, you should never marry an addict or an abusive person expecting / hoping that your love will cause that person to change. That's just prideful delusional thinking. It's similar to marrying someone who has been married before and thinking that even though s/he treated former spouses poorly, s/he will treat you wonderful. Again, that's your pride creating delusional thinking. On the other hand, know for a fact that the person who seems so perfect on your wedding day may change a great deal, even by the time you finish your honeymoon. That's because any two people, even those who are mature Christians are and will remain broken by their sinful nature. That means that no matter how much they've grown, they are still profoundly selfish and self-centred. Immature, self-obsessed people do not change for the better just because they've taken part in some ceremony. Sooner or later the pretending will end. Remember, a major task of life in general and dating specifically is to hide who we really are.

That is why any marriage that has endured and flourished and grown into something beautiful will have done so because both partners have come to know the true meaning of love and commitment. This is something that can only be learned by an intimate, healed, forgiven and obedient relationship with Jesus.

More on this next Friday.

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

The 3rd in a series:

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken, If you want make sure of keeping your heart intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an pet. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all relationships; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket – safe, dark, motionless, airless – it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to the risk of tragedy is damnation.”

C.S. Lewis

One thing that years of marriage counselling has done to me is make me ashamed of men. Of course, a Counsellor doesn't get to see those men who are at the top of their game. I only see those who, well, let me just say that I've become a tad jaded and cynical about humans in general and men specifically. I, and most of the men I've met are the working definition of selfishness. To live with us is truly a commitment to more frustration than anyone deserves.

For centuries, at least in cultures that were shaped by Christianity, the most valued characteristic of manhood was self-control, even self-mastery. A man who lacked control, a man who drank and ate and caroused to excess, a man who was not fit to rule himself was certainly considered unfit to oversee any type of business or government, let alone a family. As Christianity has taken a back seat to those who deny God's existence or who are at best functional atheists, that's all changed.

Every year News Reports of reckless and self-indulgent conduct of our politicians and business leaders reminds us that sexual restraint is no longer the sign of a man of valued character. Believe it or not many say that times have changed for the better; “transmitting selfies” of one's penis to a woman (not your wife) or even a series of women gets a wink and a nod and the man can actually be reelected.

While most of the marriages I see are damaged mostly by the men, women are by no means innocent. The mantra today for both men and women is something like, “Love me as I am.” On the other hand people understand, but only dimly and in a very limited way, that if both of you want a relationship with someone who doesn't want nor demands personal change, if both of you want someone who is genuinely “low maintenance” then you are both looking for someone who essentially doesn't exist.

I have never seen a time when so many people, again both men and women who are not so much in love with the person they long to marry, or who they are about to marry, as they are in love with a figment of their imagination. They're not marrying the person as s/he is, but as they want h/her to be. Since they're are dimly aware that who they want (the perfect match) doesn't exist (as adverstised by online dating companies), people today as never before face marriage with fear. Rather than determining to treat another human-being with loving behaviours - for life - men and women today are looking for a good fit. They're looking for someone who will be compatible; a soul mate, whatever that's supposed to mean. This unrealistic set of expectations frustrates and scares everyone involved because at some level everyone sees that based upon these parameters, relationship breakdown is almost inevitable.

Rather than being a venue for character change and for building a safe place for children to grow (Biblical Marriage), marriage today is supposed to provide fulfilled emotional, spiritual and sexual desires. As a result, idealism and pessimism go hand in hand and the fear of marriage causes most couples to “play house” instead. They can neither accept the person who is before them, nor can they accept loneliness. In fact many mistake the fear of being alone with the ability to love. So they live together in a common-law relationship until someone better comes along. Strangely, Biblical marriage is shunned because it is viewed as oppressive, and then, again strangely it's traded for the oppressive, fearful and hopeless life of “we'll be together as long as we both make each other happy.” In reality, people are afraid to marry anyone too much like themselves: selfish and grumpy, someone who judges others by their behaviours while judging themselves by their intentions.

Because of the new ideas of how two people should “love” each other, this failure by design ensures that marriage is no longer a shelter from the storm. Rather it's two people waiting for the expected and inevitable deterioration of the relationship.

This simply does not need to be the case. Our quest for individual freedom, independence and “self- fulfilment” flies in the face of the reality that any relationship where real love is enacted means the voluntary giving away of all three.

On the one hand you want someone who accepts you as you are. On the other hand you know that you have flaws that need to be changed. You know that anyone who has to live with you will desperately want to change those flaws.

Biblical marriage understands these dynamics and Biblical marriage understands that without accepting this reality, we will not know what it means to be loved nor what it means to love another human being.

More on this next Friday.

Friday's Thoughts on Marriage

The 2nd in a series:

Have you got a marriage partner who doesn't treat you good? It's not all h/her fault. You cannot expect a person to treat you good, if you chose to marry someone who is not a good person. In fact, you will not attract a good person if you yourself are not a good person. Health attracts health, sickness attracts sickness. I've said these things before on http://makarios-makarios.blogspot.ca/2006/12/will-i-ever-find-partner-whos-good-for.html so I won't go into it further here.

The reason that I love working with married couples, particularly couples in a Christian marriage, is because there is no relationship in all of humanity better suited to helping us learn to love than marriage. Of course any relationship can help, but none is better than marriage. I've long said,

“We get married because we think we're in love. In reality, it's marriage that teaches us what love is.”

Marriage as the Christian paradigm intends, mimics Jesus' philosophy of life, “I did not come to be served, but to serve and to give my life . . .”

In the Christian paradigm, the man is the Spiritual Leader of the home. As such, he is to model for the family:

. submission

. love

. patience

. gentleness

. forgiveness

. mercy

. kindness

. faithfulness

. grace

. self-control

. servant leadership, and so on.

Ultimately husbands and wives show their love for Christ when they unconditionally love their spouse. If you are not loving your spouse unconditionally, you are not loving Jesus. This is a huge, huge difference from what marriage means to most modern day couples.

In fact, completely ignoring empirical evidence regarding longevity of marriage, today more than half of all couples live together before getting married. That may not surprise you, but consider that only 40 years ago, only those on the dysfunctional fringes of society lived common-law.

It used to be that marriage taught dedication and commitment. It used to be believed that marriage provided a safe environment for children to learn about all aspects of life, since in the absence of safety, children function less well in all areas of life. Again, studies are congruent on this conclusion. Today marriage is all about self. I purposely leave out the term “secular marriage” because more and more marriages of couples that would call themselves “Christian” copy their secular neighbour's reasons for getting married. Marriage no longer has anything to do with reflecting God's nature, or trying to better society by bettering oneself. It's no longer about “us” and has become totally about “me”. In fact, the very thought of having a spouse who helps you to change let alone expects you to change is anathema to modern marriage. Not so for Biblical marriage.

More next Friday.

Married Forever?

The 1st in a series:

Woody Allen, in speaking about being “married forever,” said, “Forever is a long time, especially the bit towards the end.”

Because I'm mostly retired from marriage counselling, I think I'm going to do a number of posts on marriage as it exists from a Christian or Biblical paradigm.

When one is living in a marriage that runs by the rules and values of the world “Praying for the end of time” (Meatloaf 'Love by the dashboard light') is not at all unusual.

Marriage as set up by our Creator however is so radically counter-cultural that few people, even among those who claim to be Christians fathom the deep and personal transforming power that Christian marriage entails.

So, each Friday for a few weeks, I'm going to share some things that my own journey through marriage, as well as marriage counselling with thousands of people has taught me.

I'm reading a really good book on marriage and came across this quote by C.S.Lewis. The context is addressing our demand for retaining freedom even as we marry another.

"Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to a pet. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,impenetrable, irredeemable, The alternative to tragedy or at least to the risk of tragedy is self-damnation."

Our culture makes individual freedom, autonomy, and fulfillment, the very highest values, and thoughtful people know deep down that any love relationship at all means the loss of all three.

Homosexuals Ruined My Marriage

That's the fear that some people have – right? Some Christians say, "It won't ruin my marriage, exactly, but marriage in general, and the family specifically will be torn apart if homosexuals are allowed marital rights."

Truth is, the fact that we've arrived at a place where homosexual marriage is even being talked about in the way that it is means that marriage, as it was meant to be, is already ruined. It was ruined way back when common-law relationships were considered equal to marriage as instituted by our Creator. In fact by the time they're 39 years old, 60% of women will have lived in a common-law relationship. That's something when you think that prior to 1960, almost no one, only those on the criminal / addiction fringes lived common-law.

What we have before us today is a generation of children who know nothing of the kind of love that makes life-long commitment to a relationship possible.

All mammals, including humans, learn relationship by what they see while growing up. Deny those essential observations and you've emotionally and relationally handicapped that offspring for life.

Because we've turned our backs on Jesus  ("The one who loves Me is the one who will obey Me."), we've ordained temporary arrangements that are built on “Can you make me happy,” the standard by which we determine “love.”

We've sown the wind and we will indeed reap a whirlwind. 

Case Of The Slippery Mattress

Last night I pushed the mattress back into place. Every day or two the kids fool around on our bed and push it out of place by about 3cm.

It didn't register as odd (until last night) that it's always exactly the same amount out of place. After the kids have been playing on it, the mattress hangs over the top edge of the box spring by about 3cm. Always about 3cm.

What this means is that when I go to pee in the middle of the night, my edge of the bed sags. Just a bit. Not much. But there's a noticeable lack of support. It probably wouldn't happen, but it feels like if I lie too close to the edge on my side, on a night when the mattress is hanging over too far, well, maybe I just might fall out of bed.

This has been going on for years. The kids play on the bed. The mattress moves. It's uncomfortable. If I get to bed before my wife, I push it back into place before I lie down. A couple times I've been ready to banish the kids from our bedroom, but the effort to police such an action is not worth it, considering that all I have to do is rest the back of my legs against the mattress and push ever so slightly. It's a half second fix.

Last night however I'd grown rather tired of this routine. So I asked my wife to stand up so I could fix the mattress.

She stood.

I fixed.

And as I lay down, my wife said, “What'd you do?”

“I fixed the mattress.”

“No you didn't.”

“Yes I did.”

“Well it's hanging over the edge.”

I ran my hand back and forth along the edge of the two mattresses.

“No it isn't.”

“Yes it is!” she said with a rather spirited tone to her voice. “It's two or three centimetres over the edge.”

“What are you talking about?” I return with as even a tone as I can manage. “The mattresses are even. I can feel it.”

“Well I can feel that they aren't even.” And with that my totally naked wife throws back the blanket, splays herself across my body, runs her hand back and forth, up and down to see that the mattress and box spring on my side are indeed flush. So what's the problem?

Well, as it turns out, when my side is even, her side is hanging over. When her side is even my side is hanging over.

It's not the kids at all.

Our mattress is bigger than the box spring.

For seven years my wife and I have been doing this “fix the mattress dance.” Never once telling the other what we've been doing.

For seven years we've both thought it was the kids goofing around on the bed.

For seven years, from the day we bought it, the mattress has been too big for the box spring.

For seven years, night after night we've been pushing this stupid thing back and forth.

Ah marriage. It was good for a laugh.

Atheists Save the World

I've been doing a series on secular efforts to save the world. They've included:

- Science
- The combination of wide-spread, higher education and stupendous wealth

- Then it was sex without the perceived confinement of marriage.

- The coerced celebration of the sexually disoriented.

- Easy divorce

- Feminism
- The pursuit of everything.

- The condescending attitude of tolerance.

We Christians, on the other hand are not innocent of making a mess of things.

The desire to exclude those who live in opposition to God's will lacks love for that person. To tolerate the sin shows a lack of courage to love those same people. Out of love Jesus rejects both exclusion and tolerance.

Jesus' love continues, even when it’s called judgemental. Jesus’ love doesn’t just tolerate one’s acquaintances or even one’s enemies. Jesus’ love looks past the ugliness of your hidden thoughts, and the sanctimonious posturing about your tolerance. Jesus flat out rejects human plans that are destined for failure and says, ‘Come to me, all of you who are loaded down with life’s cares, and I will give you rest for your weary souls. I will give you peace beyond comprehension. I will guard your hearts and your minds and I will liberate you from anxiety.’ And so, followers of Jesus are able to say, "I love you too much to merely tolerate you. You’re far too important to God for me to just accept your sin in the hope that you will extend the same degree of cold-hearted, self-serving hypocrisy to me."

Jesus’ love invites you to come in from the cold. In response to jeering and mocking, Jesus’ love says, "I will go beyond tolerance. I will be good to you on every level, even to the point of honesty. I will passionately seek the best for you even if you see me as your enemy and hate me simply because you don’t like to hear what I’m saying." The best part about all this is that unlike those who are wise in their own eyes, Jesus is able to deliver on His promise to bring to you love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

One Purpose for Marriage

Atheists and Pagans are once again pushing the line that humans aren't made for monogamous marriage.

They're right. In our natural state we are built for greed, corrupt self-love and to use and abuse others for our own selfish gain. The kind of giving and "other love" that is required to make a monogamous marriage work is not who we are in our natural state. 

If you are struggling in your marriage, and if you are a follower of Jesus, cheer up. The new is good. The beauty of where you’re at, is that these difficulties are giving you the opportunity the live Christianity at its purist.

For example:                                                                                                         God doesn’t love us because of who we are. God loves us because of who He is.

God doesn’t love us because we have value. We have value because God loves us.

God says, be like Me. Follow Me. Do what I do.

And what does God do? God loves those who are difficult to love.

At this stage of marital recovery, you are being asked to love someone who is, at present at least, difficult to love.

That’s why, when we cry out to God, “But Lord, look how I’m being treated!” God says,

“Love your enemy.

Do good to the one who is treating you badly.

Pray for the one who is making your life difficult.

Don’t worry about being loved in return.

Don’t worry about it feeling unfair.

Just do it.

Just treat your partner with love, because that is what I do for you, and My promise in Romans 8:29 is that I can use all things to help you become like Me.”