Sex Upside-down

I was sitting in the waiting room yesterday, waiting to see my doctor – 1.5 hours it took. The 20 something man sitting across from me read a National Geographic, Canadian Geographic and finally a People magazine – in that order – all upside-down – the magazines – were upside-down.

Being a naturally curious individual, I said, “I noticed you spent an inordinate amount of time reading the People magazine. Do you like the pictures?”

He looked at me with a look on his face. So I just asked, “Is there something wrong with your eyes? Or is it some type of insanity that causes you to hold your reading material upside-down?”

He related that a genetic anomaly had caused his eyes, the ones he was born with, to shrink to the size of peas from a pod. It got to the point, he said, where he was essentially going blind and could not see at all when he ran because his eyes would bang around in the sockets something awful. The open space around his shrunken eyes also let a lot of dust to get into his brain. So, three years ago he had an eye transplant done in India – both eyes in the same operation. Unfortunately the surgeon was a chronic practical joker. What's worse, he had, the surgeon, through copious amounts of alcoholic drinks the night before, lost his means of discerning the appropriateness of some of his practical jokes. The result was that both of this man's eyes were placed into his head – upside-down – as a joke. A practical one.

If you google this subject, you'll see that upside-down eye transplants (not entirely rare in the more comical areas of India) cannot be reversed. This is because the rods and cones, already experiencing tremendous confusion from hanging upside-down, become completely and hopelessly jumbled upon reversal, thereby rendering the patient's eyes forever wonky.

Older readers may remember CNN daytime anchor Bobbi Batista, the unfortunate recipient of an upside-down eye implant reversal. Wonkier eyes are seldom seen.

So disconcerting is this eye wonkiness that 93% of these unfortunates ask to have their now useless eyeballs taken out of their heads altogether. While not a perfect solution to his earlier dilemma of eyes the size of peas in a pod, his upside-down eyes are better than having no eyes at all.

Through anecdotal evidence only, I can tell you that this young man has adapted to reading with quite a lot of success, while sexual intercourse, he says, renders him nauseous on par with riding three metre waves in a covered dingy. Driving a car, which he is not supposed to do at all but does anyway (“How am I supposed to get to the doctor?”) is like playing “Need For Speed,” and it apparently comes with similar results.

Hence the bloody chamois from under the car's front seat, that he's holding to the side of his head.