A spokesperson for U.S. Air Marshals, complaining that no passenger has been shot on board any airplane in over 12 years is saying, “If my boys don't get some action within the next six weeks, they're walking off the job – Once the planes have landed”
"Inducing “limited action” in exchange for retaining the presence of, and reducing the discontent of Air Marshals is not such a bad deal,” says President Obama.
Taking credit for allowing weapons of limited size on board U.S. and U.S. bound planes, Mr. O explains, “The odds of these weapons actually severing a femoral artery or jugular vein are quite low. The blades on these little knives are actually quite hard to open unless you haven't cut your fingers nails for like, weeks, and it's my understanding that Muslims have to cut their finger nails every day. So I got to thinking, if these poor guys, the Marshals I mean, who are absorbing huge amounts of radiation travelling back and forth across the country actually get to shoot someone once in awhile, well, the obvious benefit of this trade-off is worth it.”